Reflecting on how hard this can be

I hoped going through chemo would get easier as I went along. I heard that might be harder, and I’m finding it’s both. Easier and harder. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

It’s easier this time around because I don’t feel so significantly ill. I’m not buried under blankets on the couch or so weak I can’t function, not wracked with gastrointestinal distress or terribly nauseous. It’s harder this time around because I’m not sleeping and I can’t seem to focus.

I feel unconnected in a lot of ways. My concentration is shot and it’s a struggle get interested and stay engaged. Maybe this is normal for someone in this situation. Maybe it’s the way my head is supposed to tell my body that I really need to move into the slow lane and let the rest of the world downshift, gain speed, and pass to my left.

What I need to do is accept that it’s OK to let this happen. I don’t have to be in charge of anything right now except managing the day to day it will take to recover and move forward.

A lot of this goes back to feelings I had in the very beginning, when I realized that I lost control then I gained the breast cancer diagnosis (it makes sense to me). Too many things were going to happen that I couldn’t control and I had to hand management of myself over to other people. That’s a very hard thing to do when you think of yourself as independent.

You imagine yourself as a strong person, and then a miserable tiny speck of a disease brings you to your knees. It strips away all of your leadership qualities and you have to rely on other people to keep you alive. Seriously. Alive. It’s such drama.

Today was a tough day. I’m once again struggling with food and fluid. I know I need to eat to maintain a decent energy level and consume those 80 precious ounces of fluid to flush out the bad stuff. If It’s hard some days and today is one such. I know that by denying or delaying the things I know I need to do I prolong the difficult recovery process.

Enough for today. Tonight is the last night of the breast center support group. I’ll wave goodbye to some of the members, hang in with a few, and keep one close by—hopefully for a long, long time to come.