Blue Friday

Well, this serious case of the blues continues, although things feel a little less harsh today. I've done a lot of thinking, a fair amount of analyzing, and a good bit of talking about it with the two people who matter the most, and while all of that doesn't make it go away, it helps to put it in balance.

Being depressed about all of this is apparently something I've been fighting. I didn't think I was, but it's clear that I've expended a lot of energy trying to be normal, whatever normal is.

I think I need to fight the feelings less and allow myself to find a new normal. Not normal, but a new usual, a new median, and find a way to accept that every now and again I'll go to that place.

Maybe fighting so hard not to go there is what made these last few days so dramatically difficult.

It's not like I'm giving up, I'll never do that. I'm just giving myself permission to give in when I need to. I rarely do that. I worry too much about what everyone else needs. I need to listen to my head.

Give in sometimes and tell the world to go away for a while. Climb into bed and sleep away the afternoon. Wish it was almost June, not almost November, and imagine I could do this on the porch at the farm.

I haven't said this for a while... I'm so lucky. And I'm smart enough to know when I'm in trouble. Now I'll try to be wise enough to let the trouble in when it knocks and not wait until it gathers itself into an army. I can only really manage one sally at a time.