I'm looking and feeling different today. I have a breast form for my bra. It fills me up enough that I don't look lopsided any more.
Funny thing is, I didn't think I needed the help. Like so many other aspects of my disease, treatment, and recovery, getting a little help in the image department didn't seem important. This is what it is and I am what I've become. So what if the right side lags behind the left in size? I'm still me, right?
I thought so, and I thought everything was good the way it was.
At my last visit with my surgeon, I joked with him that he ruined me for bra shopping. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to buy a bra that fits?" I asked in a mock accusing tone. He pulled out his prescription pad and wrote me a script for 5 mastectomy bras, all the while apologizing for not having done so sooner.
"You're entitled to one of these every year," he said.
Earlier this week, the Pretty Girl and I went to Lady Grace in Danvers and spent an hour with a wonderful woman named Suzanne. She measured me for a bra to fit my left (full) breast, disappeared, and came back with a form to fill the gap on the right.
It's pure magic. Fits perfectly. Makes me even. Makes me very happy! The form is made of silicone, feels like real skin, and has a built in nipple. It comes with a two-year warranty. Pretty damn cool.
Turns out that everything wasn't fine. I wasn't fine with my appearance, and in a way that bothers the hell out of me. There's this sense that--to hell with you and yours if I'm not good enough the way I am.
But I'm also growing wiser as I age and live with breast cancer as a part of my life (granted now it is in the past, but it's still part of what I've become). The wise side of me is trying to understand and accept that it's OK to be humbled by all of this, and it's OK not to be a rock all the time. Not that I'm weak, far from that, but it's OK to let it overwhelm me now and again.
That's what happened this week. Once again the breast cancer became something to deal with, not hide from. I let it take front stage and be the point of discussion. And this time I got to walk away from it feeling better about myself and the way I look.
A win-win.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
A new me!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The book is a hit!
I've had amazing feedback on the book. The comments that mean the most to me came from my mother, who never read my blog. She just couldn't bring herself to face it and I never pushed or asked her why. I figured she'd get into it when the moment was right. I guess being healthy and publishing the story brought her to that moment.
She said she particularly liked my use of humor. I know I laughed out loud a couple of times when I read it. I've always hid behind humor and used it to defuse tension. Perhaps it wasn't always appropriate, but I am what I am.
My cousin Melissa is taking part in a breast cancer walk tomorrow (Sunday, Oct 18) in Manchester NH. She's been participating in this event for 25 years and in honor of her mother, Natalie, who died in 1985. That's the aunt I refer to along the way when I talk about my family history (my aunt Nat and her mother, my grandmother, Ruth).
Melissa called the other day and asked for as many copies of the book as I had to give her. She's taking them to the walk tomorrow. We'll see whether it sparks any more sales.
It fills my heart to know that the book is touching people, whether they've faced this themselves or love someone else who has gone through it. Every story reminds me of my good fortune to have gone through it and come to the other side in good health.
(On a side note, I heard a radiation therapy professional refer to patients "cured" through therapy. I'm not sure I'll ever believe that the words "cancer" and "cure" can fit it the same sentence. I'll hope, however, that it really happens--and happens soon.)
I'm having breakfast tomorrow with Tanya and Debbie, my Sistas. We're overdue to be together. I'll post a photo.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Good news on the BC front
Found this in the newspaper this morning:
LOS ANGELES - US breast cancer deaths have declined about 2 percent a year since 1990, according to the American Cancer Society.
Its report estimates 192,370 women will be diagnosed with the disease in 2009 and 40,170 will die from it. Only lung cancer accounts for more cancer deaths in women.
Death rates in black women have started to fall at the same rate as those for Caucasians, but remain 40 percent higher.
Based on the latest data, survival rates for women with breast cancer are:
■ 89 percent at five years after diagnosis
■ 82 percent after 10 years
■ 75 percent after 15 years
I like what I read. Anything that's positive is a good thing. Among the positive lately is good news for my friend Elaine.
I'm getting nice feedback on the book. It's exciting and its humbling.
