A very difficult day for a BC sister

I got an email today from a friend of a friend who is going through a tough time with her breast cancer treatments. It’s an important mail to share. My response follows.

She wrote…

I haven't reached out prior to this because, for the most part, I've been doing fine....this weekend I've hit a wall. All weekend my stomach has been upset in anticipation of my first 4 hour Taxol treatment Tuesday (I've had 4 Adriomycin & Cytoxin doses thus far which were about 2 hours and now we are switching), and my husband just pointed out that it's not until next Monday that I have my chemo! this week is just a blooddraw to check my numbers....I'm feeling like a kid who doesn't want to go to the Dr's, I think if I was the one driving I'd be late constantly because I dread it so much...it's so much so that even though I don't get nauseous with the chemo meds, I actually get nauseous the day or 2 prior to chemo..it's all psychological but I can't seem to control it....and I actually have not had it that rough at all. My numbers have been great, I haven't experienced nausea or vomiting..all I've had to contend with really is heartburn and the hair loss...and I still have some hair (although I look like an old lady in need of her perm and tease!)

I'm just dreading the 4 hour treatments so much that I want to cry sometimes, and it's really not rational because they keep telling me how the AC was so much worse and if I made it through that the Taxol will be a piece of cake...Everyone says just focus on the positive, think good thoughts...I've been so positive all through this and I'm nosediving all of a sudden and I feel as though I should be soaring because I am halfway through and it's suppose to be an easier medicine but just can't get those wings to open and thus instead of soaring I'm nosediving.....

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And I responded:

I'm glad you wrote. Sounds like you're having a just awful horrible time and I'm so sorry.

I think it's everyone's job to tell you how great you're doing and how the next step will be easier. It's their job to ell you to be positive and to think good thoughts... when all you really want to do it tell them all to go to hell. Am I right?

This isn't easy and it isn't a piece of cake. It's hard and it's difficult and it's no fun at all. You know it, and I know it and deep down inside a lot of the people who are telling you to be positive... well, they know it too. But being positive and upbeat is what they are supposed to do. It's their way of getting themselves through what you are going through. You have the hard job, enduring the treatment, watching y our physician shelf change, losing your hair and your appetite, feeling off balance and just not like yourself. Their job is hard too, because all they can do is stand by and watch all these crappy things happen to you and there is nothing they can do to stop or change it, so they put on the cheery face and try to be positive and happy.

I did the same two drugs, A & C, four treatments, three weeks apart for the first three and then two weeks between treatment three and four. That last one was MISERABLE! My treatments took about 3 to 4 hours at a time. I didn't do Taxol (I think that's a drug given to women who have no yet gone through menopause, but I could be wrong...) So, you're waking a path I didn't have to go down. I can't relate exactly to the Taxol, but I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR on how hard this is and I understand how much you really don't want to continue. But you really have to, and I know you know that.

Seriously, I'd ask your doc if there is something you can take before your treatment that will relax you a bit. Seriously... My doc told me the offer was on the table, if I ever needed anything to get into and through treatment.

Here is one other thing. You say you are nosediving. Don't beat yourself up over that. You are entitled to have low points. You can't expect to be on top of your game all the time. You need to allow yourself the time and opportunity to withdraw and just be inside your own head for a little while.

My advice would be to NOT focus on the feeling of nosediving versus soaring. Can you give it another name? Maybe instead, think of it as having strong days and not-so-strong days. Great days and not-so-good days. It's a game of words, and certainly the rotten days are just that... rotten. But call them something that's not so daunting. How about if you call a good day by your favorite dessert name, like, "Today is apple pie!" and call a bad day by something you really don't like as a dessert, like, 'Today sucks like green jello."

It's word games, but they help you over the hump.

One more thing... and this is really important. When I was at your point in treatment (just done with my four A & Cs), I was worried (truly) about my mental health. I felt like I was off my game, a step or two behind everything, not sharp, not focused. Do you know what I mean? I was SO worried that I was never going to get back to being myself, that I would always feel out of touch and fuzzy.

That didn't happen. I got myself back. I got back my focus and my clarity. I honestly feel stronger and more collected that ever. Really, I mean that. I am NOT just saying this to help you over a rough patch. It happened for me. It will happen for you.

This uncomfortable place you find yourself in is normal and natural and to be expected. The most important thing you can do right now is accept that it's OK and normal. The next most important thing for you to do is to reach out and ask for some help getting through it. You took the first step when you wrote to me for some help. Now you need to take another step and call your medical team. Ask your doc or your nurse at the oncology center for some guidance on what you can take to help you relax as you get ready for your next treatment. Call them tomorrow.

And stay in touch with me. I'm really glad you wrote.

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This isn’t easy. Not one bit. But we make it through because we are strong and we’re so worth the fight.

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