Why sleep when there's so much to think about?

Those who can—sleep. Those who can’t—get out of bed and write. It’s 2:45 a.m. on Day 7. Is it really Day 7? Seven days since diagnosis, but when did this really happen? Before the first mammogram. I’ll have to go back to April 3rd (the day before the first mammogram) and count from there. Pick numbers along the way and have celebrations (as on Day 143).

Ok, it’s a little unsettling how easy it’s getting to say “I have breast cancer.” Every time I say that it drives it home again and reinforces a little more how this is going to be part of my life for the rest of my life.

I’m trying to decide how to look at this. It needs an identifying name. It’s certainly not an adventure. To call it a journey sounds like what everyone else calls it. When I count the days I’ll find a word.

I had a long conversation with a friend who had “in ductal carcinoma,” stage one, and had a 2-inch mass removed, followed by radiation. She’s filled with encouraging words but more importantly, shared how she got from the “Why me?” to “I can do this.” She’s filling my inbox with doses of encouragement, including an e-card I found before I started writing this chapter.

There are phone calls and notes of support. Some of those things make me cry, some make me laugh, and all of them remind me of how special we are to one another (granted, some more special than others… and of course I’m talking about you!)

I’m saving all the notes, all of the papers of importance or that mark this event in one way or another, including the two solicitations for donations to cancer research that came in the mail the day after diagnosis. Timing, eh?

Everyone says a variation on “Tell me what I can do, don’t hesitate.” The kindness in these early days is heart-warming, and I’m sure the offers will be extended in the many weeks and months ahead.

You have to wonder—where it comes from? Are people generally so kind? I’d like to think so. Is what goes around the thing that comes back around? Or is saying “Let me know if I can do anything” a way of saying, “Holy crap, better you than me.” Hey, I know I’m rambling. It’s what my brain does so well. Imaging how thin I’d be if my rambling brain burned calories?